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| part 4
Looking back on my past, I was a happy kid. I
had chances to start over. I moved a lot, and I'm still not
quite sure why. Some homes, I don't even remember. Sometimes I don't
even remember starting a life there, because I was picked up and moved
to somewhere else. Eventually, I came here, Lawrenceville,
Georgia and have lived here for seven years now. People came and went
in my life here. The first few years here I played outside everyday.
All the kids in the neighborhood spent time together. Austin, the boy
living next door to me, who used to play games with me. The same boy
who pushed me around in little cars is now a senior and we barely talk
to each other. What happened to the boy I played outside wiht everyday?
Then across the street from me Jared and Joshua moved in. They
replaced Austin and everyday we'd play kickball or baseball. They
even taught me how to skateboard but they moved away. My neighborhood
doesn't have kids my age. Of course there's Megan and Steven but
htey live on teh other side of hte neighborhood. There's Dean down the
street and then there's Kevin in the next cul-da-sac over. I grew
up with Kevin. His mother and my mother are best friends. He's pretty
much the only asian I"ve ever really hugn out with. He's like a brother
to me.
The first day of sixth grade, I found that my world
of kickball and good grades was not "cool enough" for middle school. I
needed to change. I needed to be pretty and I needed to wear makeup. My
main focus had to be guys, and I needed to kiss someone before seventh
grade. Well, slowly I conformed and changed myself until I was
the girly girl in school. I hung out with the popular kids, the
beautiful girls at our school. I never really did believe I was
pretty, but some odd idea came to my mind that if I hung out with these
girls, maybe it'll give off the illusion that I'm like them. That
I was beautiful, popular, the girl every boy wanted, the girl everyone
wanted to be. Of course, that never happened. The truth hit me
like a rock thrown into my face. You're not pretty. You're never
going to be like them. I hated who I was. Everything about me could be
improved. My eyes were too close together, my arms are thick, I
have a large ribcage, I'm too short, my eyebrows are too bushy, my nose
looked squashed, the list went on and on. Millions upon millions
of imperfections. Things that prevented me from loving who I am
and who I was. So I had to cover it up. I had to cove up
things to make people believe that I'm normal. So I can at least
pretend I'm one step closer to liking myself. One step closer to being
loved.
I remember someone telling me "no one cares who you
are." I remember looking down at my battered converse, and pulling my
sleeve down, subconsiously picking at my skin through the sleeves, as
if I wanted to pick out chunks. That was a problem I had.
One hurtful things said to me no matter how slight I would take the
comment like a bullet to teh heart. I would add it to my list fo
thigns I hate about myself. One more thing I needed to fix.
one more thing until I'm as close to perfect as I can be. One
more thing becomes a hundred more until the list got neverending.
I didn't realize how much I hated myself. I didnt' know that I
had so many imperfections. It came to the point where I hated
every fiber of my being. I hated myself and the hatred that built
up grew into rage. Utter rage. Who was I supposed to take it out
on? I can't blame anyone else for my imperfections. I only
have myself to blame. So I did everything I could to punish myself.
Whether it was starving myself or carving things to remind me of who I
am.
At one point in my life I was certain that
everythign was going wrong in my life and that there was no point
anymore. My thoughts drifted past hte carving and starvation. It
wasn't enough. I needed to go further. Why should I let my friends
worry? They shouldn't stop their lives over my problems, my hate.
I spent weeks planning out my suicide, deciding when was the perfect
time, how to do it. There was no way I could do it with a
gun. During the week of my planning I got into another fight with
my parents. No matter how much I don't want to admit it I still
fight for my parents approval but still doing the thigns I want to do.
Finally I realized that I was fighting for a lost cause. I gave
up. My parents took my sister and brother out to dinner and left me at
home. I was done. I told one person about what happened and told her
what I was planning to do. I thought she'd understand what I was going
through because she has thought about suicide herself. Instead I
found myself getting lectured how I was being irrational. This made me
even angrier. I signed off and stormed down my hallway and swung open
my bathroom door. I turned the knobs and water spurted out into
the tub. I tore and ripped out of my clothes and finally, I
looked up into the mirror and I saw myself. Who was this red-faced girl
with large eyes starign back at me? Why is her hair in a mess and
covering her face? For the first time I saw who I had become. The
monster I morphed into. I slid against teh wall and the tears
flowed. At first they were silent and then they grew into moans.
What was I doing? How did I actually become who I am now? I ended up
sprawled across the bathroom floor and an overflowed tub. I would
be lying if I said I never thought about suicide again. I have, many
times after that incident, but everytime I pick up the bottle of pills
of the knife in the kitchen my mind goes racing back to that day. I
thought I had changed. I thought I got better. Now here I am. Knife and
pills in my hand. I'm back to square one, and I can't get better.
| | |
| Part Two
Sooner or later Roxy's mom came to pick us up. And to punish us
for running around in the rain she CRANKED UP the a/c. It was
freezing. Finally, she turned it down because we wouldn't stop
screaming and she stopped at some market. And the windows started
fogging up so to pay Roxy's mom back we decided to draw weed leaves all
oer the car windows and write "LIVE NUDES! ADULT LIBRARY!" while she's
shopping. Oh man, the look of horror on her face. She literally stopped
in her tracks and just stared at the windows reading the words over and
over again while Roxy and I are doubled up with laughter in the
backseat, barely able to breathe.
The rest of the ride home was pleasant until we heard that Ben, Roxy's
boyfriend at the time, had gotten into a car accident, but it wasn't
too serious. Once we got home we ate some Mexican casserole and
headed straight for her room with cups full of chocolate chip
cookiedough ice cream and popped in the teen cult movie "Rocky Horror
Picture Show." Now the first time you experience that movie
should be treasured. I fell in love with it and at random times I
find myself doing the pelvis thrust. ;D Haha. Anyways, after that
amazing movie we watched the 1960s Batman movie with all its cheesy
riddles. Haha. Everytime I think about that movie I'll always think
about calling Ben at 2 in the morning while he's sleeping and leaving
him messages going "WHAT LIVES IN A TREE AND IS VERY DANGEROUS?!" "A
SPARROW WITH A MACHINE GUN!!" "OF COURSE!" and then collapse in a fit
of giggles. What can I say? We're silly thirteen year olds, but we know
how to have a good time.
So, as you can tell, I live at the mall and at friends' houses. I
spend my time mall ratting, watching movies, going to shows, going to
the skatepark, and listening to music. Mall-ratting is a way of
culture in boring old Georgia. I mean what do we have except Junkman's
Daughter, the Masquerade, the Tabernacle, and the Mall of Georgia? Oh,
and you can't forget our skateparks. That's most likely where you'll
find me and my friends. Hah, and in the foodcourt pigging out at
McDonald's because we're poor, and if we're with Nate then we're in
Hollister breaking windows or getting chased by cops. Yep, we know the
Mall of Georgia like the back of our hand. It's our second home,
I can't imagine life without it. I've met so many great people
there: DaShaun, Jaymes, & Zach. The mall's amazing, it's
where we live.
Oh, and let me tell you. The Georgia kids know how to get down.
Haha. Whether it's to loud, fast punk rock or our cool scene emo
bands like Typhoid Mary. I remember going to Punk Rock
Halloweenfest. Now, that was awesome and one of the best shows I've
ever been to. The bands were great and so were the people.
The Rotton Apples, Noizy Oizys, & Last Hope Down at Gaige's House.
Roxy, Dez, Ashley, Nate, Mike, and I were the youngest kids there.
Great punk music, great people, and drugs & alcohol galore. It's
the definition of a great party, except for the fact that it was
freezing. Haha. We set Gaige's grill on fire with newspapers and
cigarettes. Woohoo! Marshmallows! Oh and then I got to
sleep over Roxy's again. Tehe. And you know how we do. We partied and
dressed up all night. It's tradition, baby, tradition!
Well, now, besides the mall, friends' houses, and going to shows,
there's nothing really left to do here in Lawrenceville, and we've got
to go outside so what are we going to do? Hunt, of course! We live in
the dirtyyyy Georgia. Not. We skateboard. Yeah, punk culture right
there. Grinding rails and going to Kroger. So Anarchy. =]
Now let's go back to where we we're growing up and making and breaking
relationships. School. Creekland Middle School, actually. The
biggest middle school in the United States. Now about 3000 kids
and we're going to imagine a happy drama-free community where everybody
knows everybody and waves hi to each other in the hallways like little
hippies? I think not. Everyday there's fights, usually with the tough
black kids, in the community hallways. Silly things, like "OH NO YOU
DID NOT JUST TOUCH MY HAIR. BITCH I'M TAKING YOU DOWN." Yeah, straight
up ghetto, huh? And then we've got our drug dealers. Yeah, we know
where we get our Aderol and cigarettes. Then we've got the preps.
You know the blondes with layers of makeup and Abercrombie logos on
their shirts and $80 ripped jeans with all the little sequins. Oh, and
now an addition to the ensemble, the obnoxious sequined bag. Then
we've got our football players, which is half the school. So on
Fridays on Spirit Day our entire school is filled with green adn white
jerseys. Now let's get to my group or cliche. The punks, the
emos, the goths, and the scene kids. Now we're an interesting
crew. Desiree, Gaige, Jonny, Mark, Connor, Taylor, Roxy, Denisa,
Haylie, Cathryn, Tyler, David, Mike, Dean, John, & myself. We're
the kids who sit there during class making fun of each other and
crack perverted jokes, but the teachers still love us. Yeah, we just
happen to be super cool. We're the kids, everyone's jealous of
and everyone wants to be. We're the kids that you look at and the
first impression that comes into your mind is "Wow, those kids always
look like they're having a good time." And that's true. We live
fast and we die young. That's the way I choose to live my life. Live
fast, Die young. Live fast, Die young.
Part Three
You never forget your first love. I know I never did, but it's
been a long time since first times. The first time we met, to our
first fight, our first goodbye, and our first tears. People say
you never realize what you have until you lose it. And in a way
they're right. But I never took him for granted because I knew any day
I could wake up and he would be gone. I just hoped so much it
wouldn't be for a very long time. But now I miss all those things
I never really noticed. Like how much I miss his hands holding mine and
most of all, I miss his smile. No matter what was going wrong,
all he had to do was smile and somehow I knew everything was going to
be all right. I haven't seen that smile in forever. I just
keep hoping that I'll see it again so I can have that feeling that
everything is going to be all right again. I'm not all right. I'm
anything but okay right now. I just keep wondering if I'm ever on
his mind. Or if he ever misses my smile too. I wonder if he ever
wakes up in the middle of the night praying that I'll come back.
I miss him so much. There's nothing I can say that would ever
make him understand just what he means to me. I want more htan
anything to see his smile again knowing it's for me. I need
something to hang on to. I need him.
| | |
| Drowning past regrets in alcohol & cigarettes
yo
kids. so i haven't updated in forever. because of getting caught all up
in myspace. but i think i'm coming back to xanga for a little
bit. i miss it. yeah son. so let's see. today i went to the
movies with megan, cat, g-unit (my sister), and david. it was fun
fun fun. we saw king kong. forril. and hten megan took me
home. adn i'm supposed to be at my aunt's house to chill and karaoke
with my cousins. but they're not back from florida yet. which is gay.
but what can you do?
mk. well. comments?
♥ | | |
| Now what did Jeannie get for Christmas? Well let's see.
001. From Cun Samptune and Cun Sumoh. My Zebra Converse =]
002. From Chagun Samptune and Chagan Sumoh. A black Coach purse
003. From Weh-Halmoni and Weh-Harabugi. $35
004. From Uncle John & Aunt Joanna. $20 Barnes & Noble Gift Card;; Brand New CD;; $20
005. Jennifer & Daniel. Socks (haha.) & Karaoke Revolution
006. Grandma. $30
007. Mom & Dad. I love the 80s shirt;; Ballerina flats;; Diet Coke shirt?;; iPod Shuffle.
008. Haylie Hollowell. Stuffed Christmas Cow =]
009. Cathryn. Stuffed Bear & Card =]
010. Megan? Getting it on Friday =]
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| Hm. Do you remember wayy before hte myspace frenzy, before internet and
text messaging, before sidekicks and iPods, before MIKE JONESSSSSSs,
before Playstation 2 or X-BOX, or XBOX 360 (which is amazing by the
way) Before hte 5 hours of homework we put off every night. When
we rented VHS tapes, and not DVDs. When gas was $0.95 a
gallon. When we called the radio station to request songs.
Wayyy back when we played tag and hide-n-go seek at night. Red
light, green light and Heads Up 7 Up. Playing kickball and
dodgeball until your porch light came on. Hop skotch!!
Slip-n-slides. Tree houses. Mother May I? Red Rover. Four
Square. Hula hoops. The annoying furbies. scary as hell but
you still needed hundreds of em. Running through
sprinklers. Happy meals where you choose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels
car. Or gettign the privelege to sit in the front seat of the
car.
Wait.. do you remember watching Saturday morning cartoons in your
pajamas, still wrapped in your Garfield blanket? Hey Arnold,
Doug, Rugrats, the ORIGINAL power rangers. And who can forget The
Secret Life of Alex Mac, Ren & Stimpy, Double Dare, Rocko's Modern
Life, AAAHH!!!! REAL MONSTERS, Wild & Crazy Kids, Clarissa Explains
it all, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Kenan & Kel, and the original
cast members with Amanda Bynes in All That. And who could forget
Snick? & Nick at Nite adn Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, The Facts
of Life, adn I Love Lucy. Where everyoen wanted to be in love
after watchign The Wonder Years.
But I'm not finished yet. Remember when everyday we would drink
Koolaid, and the excitement of wearing your new shoes on the first day
of school, oh man and field trips every other month. When Christmas was
hte most exciting time of the year. When $5 seemed like a million, and
another dollar was a miracle. And begging to go to McDonalds for
dinner everydayyy. When Toys R Us was WAY BETTER than the mall.
I mean. Let's go back to when decisions were made by going
"eeny-meeny-miney-moe". Mistakes were corrected by shouting "DO
OVER!!!". "Race Issue" meant arguing about hwo ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by the banker in Monopoly. It wasn't
odd to have two or three best friends. Beign Old referred to anyone
over 20. And a chance to skate as a couple at hte local roller rink was
like winning the lottery. Teh wrost thin you could catch from the
opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier than mom. Nobody was
cooler or stronger than Dad. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big
people" rides at hte fair. When playing Nintendo was hte hardest
thing ever. When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
Remember the 90s. When we had the best times of our lives.
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